I don't know the reality of you, darlin' I don't know what it's like to be you But if you were mine, oh, mine Oh how that would be so very fine and anything less than that will not do Baby, I dig you More than words can say Baby, I dig you Why let reality get in the way And I don't know the reality of you, baby but I love the concept of you You don't know the real me, do you, girl? You don't know what it's like to be me I love to fantasize And you make me all glassy-eyed I got a lump in my throat and I'm wobbly in the knees

There's no separating a woman and her clothes It's just a legend I once heard There's no separating a woman and her clothes Unless you say the magic words (and they are) I am a doctor, this is my sports car Have another glass of champagne I am a lawyer, this is my speedboat Let's fly to Vegas, play with this bankroll There's no separating a woman and her clothes No separating them at all I am a blogger, it doesn't pay But I'll get a book deal when Hell freezes over My blog's unique, it critiques pop culture I live in a trailer, my life's a failure Over the weekend, I do the barhop An average frustrated creep I go home alone, empty off into a towel Then use that same towel to weep, because There's no separating a woman and her clothes No separating them at all There's no separating a woman and her clothes Unless you make the mating call I will invest in all of your drama I'll follow your every whim What kind of man do you want me to be I'll become him I'll become him spoken: How'd you like to take a helicopter ride to Aspen... ski for a weekend? I got Lakers tickets, front row. The players practically sweat on you. One time, Kobe gave me a high-five after he hit a game-winning jump shot.

Gadzooks, said the witch Two children stand at the front door A pretty girl, a handsome boy Gadzooks, said the witch I shall make them my servants They will toil night and day They will my maid and butler Gadzooks, said the witch If they displease me the slightest I will munch upon their bones I will chew upon their tender flesh Their souls will become my own And their blood will be my water And their blood will quench my thirst Let them in now, first things first Gadzooks, said the witch

I'm not gay for fancy cars I'm not gay for diamond rings I'm not gay for silk pajamas or any of the finer things but i'm gay for luv, gay for luv I'm not gay for pickup trucks I'm not gay for limousines I'm not gay for Cadillacs or any precision machines but i'm gay for luv, gay for luv I want a love worth fighting for worth protesting in the streets I want a love worth fighting for a love that can't be beat If I could have the kind of love that made me raise a picket sign I'd be so happy just have it and proud to call it mine

You took a guy home that night I made you bacon You took a big ol' dookie on my heart Now I aint mad at you for getting your fuck on But why'd ya have to let him have a head start Now I aint mad at him for getting his dick wet We all luv that ass while it's shakin' just do me a favor and don't let him eat my bacon That bacon was a gift from me to you You can share it with whoever you like But please don't share it with the motherfucker Givin' you the deep dick tonight I put the bacon on the cookie sheet I put brown sugar on the meat I put it in the oven and it came out sweet I poured my heart into something that you can eat I can't get no love, girl I can't even get no slack and if you aint gonna me any of your sweet punany then you better give me my tupperware back I wish I was on top of you tonight Think of all the orgasms you could be faking Just let me have my dignity and keep him away from my bacon Bacon bits, sing it with me one time...

Hey pretty darlin', look at me I'm living in your world And you're a pretty girl I'm walking on your concrete Drivin' up and down your street and I'm marchin' on your beat Tell me where you want to go I'll take you, just let me know Hey pretty darlin', pretty darlin', darlin' Just to impress you, I'll put on a show I'll reserve a ticket for you in the front row I can't think you, baby, 'cause you make me so... It's a word I can't recall can't remember at all my mind hit the wall It's beginning to stall Hey pretty darlin', pretty darlin, darlin' Hey pretty darlin', look at me I'm dancin' in your rain I'm stopping up your drain I'm climbin' 'round in your trees Thawing out from your freeze Swimming in your blue seas Hoping that I don't drown No lifeguards around Baby it's your game and I want to play I just want you to take me around the way and I would celebrate it each and every day If you would ever have me I want you badly I am so attracted You got me distracted Would you love me dearly I'm not thinking clearly I just want you near me when the world is dreary Hey pretty darlin', pretty darlin', darlin'

You told me things were rough Yeah, the dog left you and your wife died and she took the pickup too I might've got some of the details wrong But I know that you've been down so long it aint funny We all got blues We all got greens and reds You told me times were tough When the car broke down and your daughter got pregnant And you found out that her boyfriend's name was Dennis We all got blues We all got greens and reds So let's make yellows

Normal love is beautiful. It's something I would frame on the wall But I don't reckon I will ever get to have normal love at all 'Cause normal love is reserved for normal people That's what I've been told And all I've got is psychotic strangulation in my soul Normal love is something I can't have It makes me mad Try as I might it's not in my grasp The madcap laughs I see you Arms around your lover walking 'round without a care effortless Are you happy 'cause it seems that way I watch your public displays of caress Normal love - it displays itself shamelessly I've gone so long without affection - it's distressing No normal love is gonna happen to me This I can feel It is to you, but to me it's not real And that's the deal Every song I write is a ripoff Every lyric plagarized There's an incompleteness in my soul Like I'm halfway paralyzed I can't win the girl of my dreams or save the factory I'm no movie hero I'm just me

When you die, all your children will look over you and your spouse will hold your wrinkled hand or so they say, but I I don't know what I am going to do but I can be sure that my life won't end that way I will never start a family That's the sort of thing I can't condone I will live my life an anomaly Thankfully I'm gonna die alone How do you 9-to-5 with kids and wives and ever more unhappy lives Every day it's no surprise Just bigger beer guts and thicker thighs That young girl you loved, that old lady you hate They're the same person, that's your fate There's no such thing as diapers dry How do you manage to get by? I don't wanna be another worker drone Who feeds and clothes and holds them when they cry and moan And lets them stress me into strokes or kidney stones Thankfully I'm gonna die alone Everybody's telling me I need to settle down "You need a car, you need a house, you need a plot of ground Children are so precious. They give joy everyday." Well pardon me if I don't want a 401K What's so wrong with drunken fumbling 'round and one night stands Going off to Vegas with your friends to split a gram Being immature and getting in dumb fights and going to the strip club because it's Tuesday night but when you die all your children will look over you and your spouse will hold your wrinkled hand Forget all that Born with nothing, die with nothing spend it in between There will be no eulogy given at the scene There will be mourners, there will be no God just me in a burlap sack where no one finds it odd Not even a gravestone marking my remains No date of birth, no date of death No shirts with crying stains Happy to be gone but mostly glad that I was here and I did it how I wanted without agony or fear I got to eat all the ice cream I never paid the last bill on my phone I'm glad I got no family to pay it when I'm dead because thankfully I'm gonna die alone I got so many memories I could write a book No better life a human ever known and you could disagree, but it's not a tragedy They'll say hey that stupid bastard died alone

When I think about you I get sticky I get sticky for you all the time Sticky at the thought of being with you Sticky when I think you could be mine When I think about you I get sticky Sticky every minute of the day Sticky when I think about holding you And if you stuck to me that would be okay When I think about you I get sticky I know that I would treat you right I always need a moist towelette Just to help me get through every night When I think about you I get sticky I get so sticky in my head What can I do? You turn my brain to glue I'm so sticky I get stuck to my bed When I think about you I get sticky I think you when we're apart Always getting sticky when you call me Always getting sticky in my heart Love is a drug, a wise man sang You slipped me one heck of a mickey Like I woke up in a bathtub without a kidney When I think about you I get sticky